So I haven't written in quite some time, due to the fact that I have been playing into my victim role. You see, some time in November I declared that I would only allow myself to be the victim until January 1st, 2017, at which time, as my New Years goal was that I would become the Survivor. Well on January 3rd, son, Skyler's killer, stood in my driveway. Instantly I went back to victim status, where I remained, through January, and then in February I came down with the flu, followed by bronchitis. I thought it was Skyler's way of telling me to slow down.
It was at this time that I began to see that my family support system was at 0. My husband, Chris, was self medicating with alcohol, feeding me cocaine and alcohol daily, my mom was acting crazy, and my other two son blamed me for both of my other son's murders. They refused to have anything to do with me. Out of this came a need for support, where I turned to God.
My therapist told me about a training program in which she felt would benefit me. After I could no longer ignore her request, I decided to go to the training. It has transformed my life in ways I never thought were possible. While I still have many bad days, I know that everything will be okay, there is hope, and that God has chose my path (which I will discuss later).
It was throughout this training where I learned that as the doctor had told me, I actually was not grieving the loss of Jakeob properly. It was at the training where I remembered that at one time, I prided myself in the fact that I had not cried for 13 years. 13 years!!! Who does that? I'll tell you who. A mother who needed to take care of her 3 and 5 year old living children enough that she stuffed the grieving process so far down, that I became a cold hearted bitch. I have remained that way until I was able to go through this training.
Completing Part 1 and 2 of this training allowed me to make the decision that I will not allow Skyler's killer to take me too. He has already taken enough.
Also, as a result of the training program, I have decided to face many of my fears/anxieties that have born out of my son's death, such as going into a gym, or making protein shakes, or even sitting in the passenger seat for long distances (all of which came from Skyler's murder). I also have made a commitment to keep my word, and part of that is writing in this blog. So you will continue to hear more from me.