As it gets closer to Skyler's 1st year anniversary of his murder, my days become harder, and longer. While I thought I was strong after completing parts of the training I took, I am quickly reverting back to sadness, loneliness, and anger.
I also have some other things going on personally, and this is where you find out who your true friends, and family are. Over 80% of marriages end in divorce after a biological child of the married couple passes. I can imagine that the rate is much higher is it is a step parent situation.We are not the same person we used to be, prior to the day we received the news. As a step-parent, they are not as attached as if it were a biological parent. They expect us to be the same as before, and to move on. Mostly, they forget their vows.
It's 12 days until Skyler's 1 year anniversary, and 13 days until Jakeob's birthday, where he would have turned 24 years old.
May sucks for me, as will September, the month in which Jakeob was murdered, and Skyler's birthday.
I found that I have been trying to stay extremely busy, jumping into so many different events and tasks. I was wearing myself out. My mom as well as some of my friends have seen it, and told me that I need to slow down.
The very moment I slowed down, I become so overwhelmed, I found myself outside, at Skyler's rock garden, screaming to God to let Skyler come back. It's amazing how when you slow down, all of the grief comes rushing back.
Grief involves 5 stages:  Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
It's amazing how these all suddenly show up at different times.
I believe I was experiencing Denial and Bargaining the other day as I screamed out to God.

There is one positive event for May that I have been working on: Myself and two other local women have co-founded a support group. The name of it is "Survivors of Missing and Murdered Victims". We are having our first meeting on May 1st, in Gastonia, NC.
If anyone local is reading my blog, and would either benefit or would know someone who would benefit from this support group, it is free and confidential. The meeting will be open from 6pm-10pm on May 1st.
The meeting will be held at 260 N Myrtle School Road (Firehouse #1).

I hope to share something positive in my next blog. For now, please pray that I will have the strength to get through the next 2 weeks.