As it gets closer to Skyler's 1st year anniversary of his murder, my days become harder, and longer. While I thought I was strong after completing parts of the training I took, I am quickly reverting back to sadness, loneliness, and anger.
I also have some other things going on personally, and this is where you find out who your true friends, and family are. Over 80% of marriages end in divorce after a biological child of the married couple passes. I can imagine that the rate is much higher is it is a step parent situation.We are not the same person we used to be, prior to the day we received the news. As a step-parent, they are not as attached as if it were a biological parent. They expect us to be the same as before, and to move on. Mostly, they forget their vows.
It's 12 days until Skyler's 1 year anniversary, and 13 days until Jakeob's birthday, where he would have turned 24 years old.
May sucks for me, as will September, the month in which Jakeob was murdered, and Skyler's birthday.
I found that I have been trying to stay extremely busy, jumping into so many different events and tasks. I was wearing myself out. My mom as well as some of my friends have seen it, and told me that I need to slow down.
The very moment I slowed down, I become so overwhelmed, I found myself outside, at Skyler's rock garden, screaming to God to let Skyler come back. It's amazing how when you slow down, all of the grief comes rushing back.
Grief involves 5 stages:  Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
It's amazing how these all suddenly show up at different times.
I believe I was experiencing Denial and Bargaining the other day as I screamed out to God.

There is one positive event for May that I have been working on: Myself and two other local women have co-founded a support group. The name of it is "Survivors of Missing and Murdered Victims". We are having our first meeting on May 1st, in Gastonia, NC.
If anyone local is reading my blog, and would either benefit or would know someone who would benefit from this support group, it is free and confidential. The meeting will be open from 6pm-10pm on May 1st.
The meeting will be held at 260 N Myrtle School Road (Firehouse #1).

I hope to share something positive in my next blog. For now, please pray that I will have the strength to get through the next 2 weeks.

So I haven't written in quite some time, due to the fact that I have been playing into my victim role. You see, some time in November I declared that I would only allow myself to be the victim until January 1st, 2017, at which time, as my New Years goal was that I would become the Survivor. Well on January 3rd, son, Skyler's killer, stood in my driveway. Instantly I went back to victim status, where I remained, through January, and then in February I came down with the flu, followed by bronchitis. I thought it was Skyler's way of telling me to slow down.
It was at this time that I began to see that my family support system was at 0. My husband, Chris, was self medicating with alcohol, feeding me cocaine and alcohol daily, my mom was acting crazy, and my other two son blamed me for both of my other son's murders. They refused to have anything to do with me. Out of this came a need for support, where I turned to God.
My therapist told me about a training program in which she felt would benefit me. After I could no longer ignore her request, I decided to go to the training. It has transformed my life in ways I never thought were possible. While I still have many bad days, I know that everything will be okay, there is hope, and that God has chose my path (which I will discuss later).
It was throughout this training where I learned that as the doctor had told me, I actually was not grieving the loss of Jakeob properly. It was at the training where I remembered that at one time, I prided myself in the fact that I had not cried for 13 years. 13 years!!! Who does that? I'll tell you who. A mother who needed to take care of her 3 and 5 year old living children enough that she stuffed the grieving process so far down, that I became a cold hearted bitch. I have remained that way until I was able to go through this training.
Completing Part 1 and 2 of this training allowed me to make the decision that I will not allow Skyler's killer to take me too. He has already taken enough.
Also, as a result of the training program, I have decided to face many of my fears/anxieties that have born out of my son's death, such as going into a gym, or making protein shakes, or even sitting in the passenger seat for long distances (all of which came from Skyler's murder). I also have made a commitment to keep my word, and part of that is writing in this blog. So you will continue to hear more from me.

I have had a hard time on how to continue this blog. Do I go into detail of each of my children's murder or  do I focus more on the feelings and experiences?
I decided on the feelings and experiences for now, and may go back and forth between the two murders.
Through both of my losses, the major feelings are: loneliness, anger and sadness. Not necessarily in that order, as it depends on the time of day. Sometimes I go for days and others, I live minute by minute.
When I experienced the loss of my first child, Jakeob, I remember coming home to the scene. I was in the last class of my Associate's degree when it happened, (before I could afford a cell phone). As I don't remember much from that time, and the years following, I will never forget coming home that day to see all of the emergency vehicles at my house. Running all scenarios from fire to my oldest (5 at the time), getting hit by a car. Walking in, I only knew to count heads.
They already had the baby (4 months old), in the ambulance. I remember following the ambulance with my husband to the hospital where, eerily, it was like I had stepped into a movie. The hospital pastor and the doctor is the one that told me my son died of drowning.
In the next week, I can remember that my mother was my rock. God, I was only 24 years old, and this experience was like someone had ripped my heart out. I had never experienced such heart break before so I had no clue how to behave. I even remember at one point, my doctor telling me I wasn't grieving properly. What does that exactly mean? I literally asked him if there was a book written on how to properly grieve!
Very early on, the police arrested the babysitter in the case. She was my step-sister, and also my best friend.
You see this day that my son was murdered, I lost so many people, as it split my family in half.
They say that 99% or more, of couples split up when they lose a child. This day, I lost my child, my sister, my best friend, my husband (because of the blame towards each other), and my father, who made a clear decision to stand behind and support my step sister. I also lost others along the way because lines were drawn, and the family was forced to take sides.
My mom, my rock back then, handled most everything, as I was in such a fog, and heavily medicated. She took care of the funeral arrangements, and at my best recollection, even spoke at the funeral.
I say best recollection because the next couple of years were a blur. This was a nightmare I was not going to wake from anytime soon.
I remember that my step sister was charged with 2nd degree murder, and found guilty by trial of involuntary manslaughter. She received a sentence of 4 years, and did all of her time. We went through every step of the process.
I also remember other things, like my father calling me and asking me to tell the police I was there when it happened, and then calling again to ask me to drop the charges. The thing is, that once the police charge a person, you no longer have control, as it is State vs the criminal.
There is so much I don't remember over these next few years. I imagine what got me through was the fact that I had a 5 year old and a 3 year old to take care of, and I wasn't doing a great job of that, whatsoever. I allowed family to help raise them as I spiraled downward. I don't even remember finishing my class and receiving my degree, but somehow managed that as well.
To touch back on the three major feelings of loneliness, anger and sadness though....I went through all three. Loneliness was the hardest, because even in a room full of people, a mother carries the burden of the loss totally different than anyone else, and very few people (other than other mothers who have lost a child), can understand that.

So I promised that I would make this blog a priority. my apologies, as my husband was injured, after our murder banner for my son Skyler was vandalized.
Now to begin my story...
Have you ever went through something in your life where you questioned that things happen as a punishment?
There are so many things I have done wrong in my life where I can understand that I need to face the wrong and pay the price....but to have not one but two children murdered? It almost seems beyond the realm of punishment.

I am not a super religious person, believing in reincarnation of souls. I can say that since 1993, I have been angry with God, or the higher power that might exist out there. When my oldest son joined the Army at the height of the war, I thought to my self "Surely another child would not be taken. Little did I know back then, that I would face this horror again. It almost feels that I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I hear many people say " God has a bigger plan", or "You are not being punished", or my personal favorite "God does not give us more than we can bear". Who comes up with these statements? I'll tell you who...people who don't know what to say, or are looking to attach my son's murders to religion.
In reality, it doesn't really matter what people think, because my  mind works on it's own.

You see growing up, I wasn't the best child, and I did not have the best childhood. I lost my virginity at 13 years old, and had my first child at 17 years old. I had quit school, but when I found out I was pregnant, I realized I had to get my education, in order to argue with my kids, the importance of education. I graduated high school, one day after my class with a  month old on my hip.

I also wasn't always very good with my choices of men and my children had different fathers. These could all be great reasons for me to be punished by God to take one of my my children, but to take two of the from me, feels unfathomable. I feel it every day when I wake up, and at night when I cannot sleep.

There is so much guilt attached to both of my children's death. I didn't do enough for them, I should have, could have...you name it I have ran the gamut of the guilt trip train.

So what happened to my children?

I will explain in my next blog....stay tuned.

I apologize if my blog is fragmented, but I have to write it as it comes through my brain.

The thought process of punishment has weighed on my mind for many many years.

I am the mother of 2 murdered children. Jakeob Lee Johnson 5/8/1993- 9/3/1993 and Skyler Jakeoby-Lynn Riker 9/22/1996- 5/7/2016.
My hope is to tell my story in hopes that it will help others who are grieving the loss of a child or family member by violence.
Since this is my first post, I will begin my story with pictures of my 2 children.