I have had a hard time on how to continue this blog. Do I go into detail of each of my children's murder or  do I focus more on the feelings and experiences?
I decided on the feelings and experiences for now, and may go back and forth between the two murders.
Through both of my losses, the major feelings are: loneliness, anger and sadness. Not necessarily in that order, as it depends on the time of day. Sometimes I go for days and others, I live minute by minute.
When I experienced the loss of my first child, Jakeob, I remember coming home to the scene. I was in the last class of my Associate's degree when it happened, (before I could afford a cell phone). As I don't remember much from that time, and the years following, I will never forget coming home that day to see all of the emergency vehicles at my house. Running all scenarios from fire to my oldest (5 at the time), getting hit by a car. Walking in, I only knew to count heads.
They already had the baby (4 months old), in the ambulance. I remember following the ambulance with my husband to the hospital where, eerily, it was like I had stepped into a movie. The hospital pastor and the doctor is the one that told me my son died of drowning.
In the next week, I can remember that my mother was my rock. God, I was only 24 years old, and this experience was like someone had ripped my heart out. I had never experienced such heart break before so I had no clue how to behave. I even remember at one point, my doctor telling me I wasn't grieving properly. What does that exactly mean? I literally asked him if there was a book written on how to properly grieve!
Very early on, the police arrested the babysitter in the case. She was my step-sister, and also my best friend.
You see this day that my son was murdered, I lost so many people, as it split my family in half.
They say that 99% or more, of couples split up when they lose a child. This day, I lost my child, my sister, my best friend, my husband (because of the blame towards each other), and my father, who made a clear decision to stand behind and support my step sister. I also lost others along the way because lines were drawn, and the family was forced to take sides.
My mom, my rock back then, handled most everything, as I was in such a fog, and heavily medicated. She took care of the funeral arrangements, and at my best recollection, even spoke at the funeral.
I say best recollection because the next couple of years were a blur. This was a nightmare I was not going to wake from anytime soon.
I remember that my step sister was charged with 2nd degree murder, and found guilty by trial of involuntary manslaughter. She received a sentence of 4 years, and did all of her time. We went through every step of the process.
I also remember other things, like my father calling me and asking me to tell the police I was there when it happened, and then calling again to ask me to drop the charges. The thing is, that once the police charge a person, you no longer have control, as it is State vs the criminal.
There is so much I don't remember over these next few years. I imagine what got me through was the fact that I had a 5 year old and a 3 year old to take care of, and I wasn't doing a great job of that, whatsoever. I allowed family to help raise them as I spiraled downward. I don't even remember finishing my class and receiving my degree, but somehow managed that as well.
To touch back on the three major feelings of loneliness, anger and sadness though....I went through all three. Loneliness was the hardest, because even in a room full of people, a mother carries the burden of the loss totally different than anyone else, and very few people (other than other mothers who have lost a child), can understand that.